If you don’t have the money to tip, do not go out to eat.
I don’t work for fucking free. Do you really think I can live off the $2.83 I receive hourly??
YES. YES. YES. A thousand times yes.
Ridiculous…
Taking time out of my regularly scheduled bitchery about customers to note that I am now 8 days overdue on my paycheck. Not amused!
Me: What would you like to drink?
Customer: *mumbling* Well, it’s cold in here. I should have brought a sweater, but it’s not that cold outside. I guess something warm would be nice…*mumble mumble*
Me: I’m sorry, what did you want to drink?
Customer: Coffee.
~I bring her coffee~
Customer: Nevermind, I’m getting soup with my special, and it’s warm, so I don’t need the coffee, the soup will warm me up.
Me: Do you want the Minestrone soup or the Italian Wedding?
Customer: WEDDING! WHAT DO YOU THINK I COME HERE FOR?
…I don’t know. I’m a server, not a fucking mind reader.
And why do old people yell everything? Just because you can’t hear doesn’t mean I’m deaf.
How Not to Make a Good First Impression
“Oh, the lasagna’s no good here. You want good lasagna, you go to the Olive Garden.”
…really? You’re going to say that right in front of me? You couldn’t wait 2 seconds until I went to go get your fucking drinks?
Foooooled you!
One of our more frequent customers was pissed because her favorite cook just quit. She claims that he is the only one who can prepare her food properly.
He hasn’t made her orders in months, that cook is busy on the front line and a different guy is responsible for chicken orders.
How Not to Start a Conversation
Customer: Well, it looks like you’ve done that before!
…I was putting soup cups on the tables.
Daddy Yum-Yum
It is very difficult to accurately describe Daddy Yum-Yum because he is easily the most unique customer I have waited on. He is a single, older man who was frequently seen in grungy overalls. He smelled pretty bad, but that’s because he said that he lived on a farm. When he was paying his check, he would always say, “I have to go home now and sing to my cows.”
He was known to sit in the front booth (even though he wanted to sit on the floor because he was part Japanese) and read the paper for hours, occasionally emitting odd grunting noises. He would also occasionally fall asleep, probably after a late night at karaoke. He was a frequent visitor to a local karaoke spot where he would sing songs by his favorite artist, “Frank Not-so-hotra.”
One afternoon, Daddy Yum-Yum tripped and fell on his way out of the restaurant and we had to call the ambulance. He was conscious, but the paramedics were trying to see how “with-it” he was, so they asked him some pretty basic questions. When he said his name was Daddy Yum-Yum, it took the whole staff to reassure the EMTs that he always said that and he was not injured mentally. He passed away a few weeks after that, but was definitely a unique individual.
Salad and Plates
Customer: I would like a dinner salad and a plate please.
-brings salad dish and plate-
C: Oh, I wanted the salad on the plate.
Me: Oh. Well, there’s the plate.
C: But I wanted the salad on the plate.
M: …so you want me to take that back and put the salad on the plate for you?
C: Yes.
